Anxiety seems to lurk behind every corner we turn. We worry about our identity, the environment, economic uncertainty, conflict, our own expectations and those of others on us. But there’s a well-known secret in third wave therapy and cognitive therapy that helps us in overcoming anxiety – stop fighting. The question is how. (And indeed why, when fighting is what we’re taught to do.)
This topic is inspired by nugget 9 in my book, ‘Unlocking My Greatest Self’, which features 50 potentially life changing exercises and therapy teachings.
The paradoxical nature of existence and life on planet earth is never better epitomised than by this seemingly counter-intuitive approach to our familiar old friend, Anxiety. The key? Acceptance. Acceptance and awareness.
Before we dig deeper, let’s outline the practical steps first. If you’re overwhelmed with negative thoughts or feelings take some time out and do the following:
- Consciously stop for a moment. Become aware of what you are feeling and thinking – Say ‘hello’ to these thoughts and feelings, open your arms and accept them in – think of them as normal, harmless and transient.
- Then step back, watch things from a distance as The Observer. Rehearse yourself being in control as if you’ve achieved calmness.
- Repeat the above as a habit. Keep accepting your anxiety, watching it from a detached perspective and acting as if you’re better.
- Ask yourself, ‘Am I that feeling, or am I the one that is aware of it?’
- Expect realistic improvement but be patient, a certain degree of anxiety is normal and may return in part
The Background and Science around Acceptance and Overcoming Anxiety
This approach is partially rooted in eastern tradition, having echoes of Buddhism and Hinduism. It’s related to Mindfulness, which was developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn who was a key figure in bringing mindfulness to the mainstream through MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction). This has since branched into MBCT or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.
Aaron T. Beck, one of the founders of CBT, worked with his colleagues on developing this approach and it is based around their cognitive therapy handout for treating anxiety and phobias, around 2005.
In his revised manual for treating anxiety, Beck writes,
“The objective of cognitive therapy is not to teach people more effective ways to ‘control their anxiety’. Instead cognitive therapy focuses on helping people develop a more ‘accepting attitude’ towards anxiety rather than a ‘combative (ie controlling) attitude’. When thoughts like, ‘I can’t let these anxious feelings continue’ are replaced with ‘I can allow myself to feel anxious because I know I am exaggerating the threat and danger’, the intensity and persistence of anxiety are greatly diminished.”
To Fight for Change, or to Accept. That is the Question.
Sometimes our anxiety stems from an unwillingness to accept life as it is, or the situation that we are presented with as it is. Looked at one way, this is a somewhat self-centred attitude and one that assumes that the universe revolves around us, that everything should be as we want it to be.
The want to change things, whether for our own benefits or for the human or ethical ‘rights’ of others – human or animal – is an instinct we certainly have and should acknowledge. Improvement, seeking justice and retribution seems noble and something we should strive towards. But where do we draw the line? To force change or to accept? At what point are the battles justified, and when do they get out of hand and the detrimental effects begin? And actually, how much power do we really have?
The Serenity Prayer and Acceptance
The Serenity Prayer captures these ambiguities perfectly:
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’
And that’s the key here. When we are anxious, it’s often because we don’t like a situation, it worries us or frightens us – and we resist or fight the feeling, making it worse. Sometimes we have no control over the situation at all and can’t change it. Sometimes the problem is in our thinking about it, projecting what ifs and hypotheses. So, if we can’t change the situation, sometimes the only thing we need change is just that – our thinking about it. Or what we can do with the thinking about it. The way out here is to accept everything, surrender to the situation, our thoughts, not let them develop into a negative spiral, where you become frustrated, angry, despondent on top of everything else. (link to other blog to come)
Doing this yourself isn’t easy and you may need a skilled therapist to help kick start you, to talk though your own issues personally first.
I use the process above with my clients who struggle in overcoming anxiety. I explain the philosophy and psychology behind it and how to adopt this mindset and use the tools that come with it to deal with panic attacks and fear. Understanding alone helps shift things in the right direction. The tools are the real game changers.
My book on Amazon
For more of these type of nuggets, seek out my book ‘Unlocking my Greatest Self’ – 50 secrets to becoming calm, confident and fulfilled. It’s available on Amazon.
Help from DOCwellness
For one to one help on practising these kind of processes and overcoming anxiety, phobias and overthinking, Contact us today or call 07778 613268 if you would like to discuss things more.